I'm home... again. I feel like I've been updating this so much more then is actually needed, but I also need to get so much more out there.

I woke up this morning, the sun was shining brightly, it seemed like it should be the start of a new day, a fresh start, instead I found myself wanting to roll back over and head to bed. This house is so empty without anyone else here. Even my father moping around or complaining about his patients would be welcomed right now. This house had always been much too big for just the two of us, and he still moved all of Alexa's things into one of the bedrooms, like a shrine for her. To me, its always been a reminder of that night. Maybe he hoped she'd somehow come back.

But today, I managed to muster up the courage to go in there. It still looks like a little girls room, the maid must clean it regularly. Pictures of me and her are scattered around the room, her favorite stuffed animals on the bed, the closet is empty except for one dress. It was the dress she wore on her last birthday when we had all gone out to eat. Everyone was happy, my mother smiled her heart warming smile at us, the smile that would stop my crying and make everything seem like it was okay. My dad would hold my mothers hand and they'd watch the two of us. They were so in love with each other and with us. We were the family picture of perfection at the time. Alexa never fought with me, but she did follow me around all the time. She'd watch as I played on our piano and she'd imitate it. She even started playing video games just to spend some time with me. It was perfect because I had spent so much time buried in books and practicing music that I didn't have the time to make many friends, she was my friend.

I guess I can understand to some extent what Dad went through when he lost Alexa and Mom. He had a different love towards the both of them, but they were my family too. And emotionally, when I lost them, I lost him. He became an empty shell of the man he once was. His whole demeanor changed.

Being in this house is a reminder of the shell he was. We moved here to start over, to try again. I mustered up the courage to put on a brave face every day, he tried in the beginning. But one day, he just cracked, he couldn't do it anymore. I remember the words that made me see it... "You look so much like your mother. I just can't stand it anymore." And he walked away from me that night and I left and spent the night at Emma's house. I didn't tell her what he said, and she didn't question it. She's always been good like that.

I couldn't find it in me to go into his room. Not yet at least. Probably not for awhile. But I do need to fill this house with life again. The way I used to when he'd disappear for days at a time on business or whatever he was doing. On the outside, it's a beautiful house, wonderful garden, and apparently he had paid both a maid and gardner to continue to care for it, for at least a year. He must've known I'd be hesitant to be here. At least he still knew me, to some extent at least. I just wish he would've had it in him to tell me he loved me before he left me.