So Long & Good Night

belmarie @ 2010-04-21T00:52:00

2010-04-21T05:14:32Z

In the past year, I've settled a lot of issues I've had with myself and around me. I used to always want to run away from everything, find a place to begin again, reinvent myself, start over. But the past always haunted me and I had to cope with it before I could really continue on. I should have done it sooner, but it finally happened, I broke out of the mold, and I'm giving myself a shot at a happy life. So far, I find myself so thrilled, loving every day, and continuing on with a smile on my face.

I'm not responsible to what happened to mom and sis. I'll miss them everyday, I know they are watching me from above, and I can feel them happy that I've finally come to terms with that. I also know that after what happened, I couldn't save my father. Once he lost mom and started down on the road to self-destruction there was nothing I could do. He chose how he would live on and remember them, but it was not the path I would get on. Even though most days felt like a struggle and like I was all alone, I made it through. But I made my mistakes along the way. I made mistakes that costs me friendships that should have lasted forever. I made mistakes that kept me running from myself and wasted time. I made mistakes that I could never take back, never change, but I'll also never forget them. Those mistakes are a part of me, a part of who I am, and a part of who I will be. I have learned from those, and I'll never make the same mistake again.

But without all of those mistakes, I'd be missing out on so much. Without those mistakes, I would've never traveled to all the places I've seen. Without those mistakes I would've never met people who changed my outlook on life. I was able to meet Rukia, my favorite Japanese girl ever, she's me trapped in a different culture and struggling to break free and making it happen for herself. I was able to meet Amorice, a girl who will continue to amaze me and amuse me for years to come. I was able to learn more of my culture while in Paris. And most importantly, I met Hiro. Attractive, mysterious, but innocent, caring, just an all around amazing person. And after years of knowing each other, missed opportunities, and finally him coming to the states and staying with me, we were able to find each other romantically. I couldn't imagine a more perfect boyfriend, a more perfect lover, or a more perfect person. He stands by me when I need him most, he helps me grow, and yes, he even helps me keep my Japanese damn near perfect.

New York is my home, and yes, it still feels like home. But I'm ready for a change, I'm ready for something new. And I'm ready for bigger steps. The club is doing great, Cupcake in Chicago is still doing good, and I'm ready to expand into something bigger. I'm also kind of ready to downsize. Realistically, Hiro and I don't need a four bedroom house for ourselves and our dog Ichigo. We can try to expand ourselves as entrepreneurs and downsize a place. No, I won't sell my house, because one day I'll be ready to start a family and this may be the perfect place. But I'll look to move, rent an apartment, and continue on.

Life is about living and I'm ready to do more of it.

belmarie @ 2009-10-31T19:02:00

2009-10-31T23:05:17Z

It's Halloween and the weather sucks and I'm completely unmotivated to go anywhere or do anything. This rain is killing me. All I want to do is sleep. But I am totally enjoying the adorable little kiddies coming in all sorts of costumes. I'm glad I remembered to stock up on candy this morning.

belmarie @ 2009-10-17T11:39:00

2009-10-17T15:39:49Z

Here I am standing over you again, my head in my hands, the tears streaming down my face as I look at your name written across that grave. I often wonder what you would tell me if you were here today. Would you tell me that I’m a fool? That whomever you love will only leave you? Mommy and Alexa never left you, they were taken from you and you were left with me. So would you tell me that those you love will be taken from you in the worst of ways and before you can even see it coming? You would laugh at me and tell me it’s only a matter of time before I end up like you, alone, going through the motions of every day life. Then you’d wonder why I couldn’t be the one taken away? Didn’t you ever think I wondered the same thing every night? If I hadn’t been so sick, if I had been where I should have instead of lying in bed with the flu, maybe mom would have missed the drunk driver, maybe he would have hit someone else on that rainy night. Maybe he would have died and they would have lived. But life didn’t turn out that way.

The grounds keeper of the graveyard comes by me and hands me a box of tissues. Not one word from him, its so routine at this point it makes me sick and all I can continue to wonder is what you would tell me. Would you practically spit in my face and tell me I’ve made all the wrong choices? Would you tell me I should have never come home? It’s how we always got by, I stayed out of your face and you lived your miserable little existence without a reminder of the wife you once loved. “Why her,” you would cry, “why not you?” Yes, why not me? Because those aren’t the cards that fate dealt us. Because I have more willpower to go on living and I was too young to die. Because my life would still carry some meaning to it.

You wouldn’t believe any of that would you Dad? No, you would tell me I was wrong, misguided, that the lies I was fed by those outside were just to rid of me of the guilt I should have felt. But maybe you were wrong. All I know, is until I find an answer, I’ll sadly continue to come here, even if in the end, it breaks me.

belmarie @ 2009-10-10T09:34:00

2009-10-10T13:37:28Z

Its funny, I spent four years in Florida, it began to feel like a second home, but now its nothing more then a vacation spot. Its so weird, but I miss New York right now. I miss my house, I miss my friends being right down the road. I mean, I love my suitemates, I really do, they are and always will be awesome. But maybe my heart is finally in New York. Too bad I can't have the best of both worlds.

belmarie @ 2009-08-24T00:50:00

2009-08-24T04:51:04Z

I will not buy a ticket to Australia.
I will not buy a ticket to Australia.
I will not buy a ticket to Australia.
I will not buy a ticket to Australia.

.....

Dammit, this is harder than I thought. I need something to keep me grounded.

belmarie @ 2009-08-14T13:34:00

2009-08-14T17:52:35Z

I'm home... again. I feel like I've been updating this so much more then is actually needed, but I also need to get so much more out there.

I woke up this morning, the sun was shining brightly, it seemed like it should be the start of a new day, a fresh start, instead I found myself wanting to roll back over and head to bed. This house is so empty without anyone else here. Even my father moping around or complaining about his patients would be welcomed right now. This house had always been much too big for just the two of us, and he still moved all of Alexa's things into one of the bedrooms, like a shrine for her. To me, its always been a reminder of that night. Maybe he hoped she'd somehow come back.

But today, I managed to muster up the courage to go in there. It still looks like a little girls room, the maid must clean it regularly. Pictures of me and her are scattered around the room, her favorite stuffed animals on the bed, the closet is empty except for one dress. It was the dress she wore on her last birthday when we had all gone out to eat. Everyone was happy, my mother smiled her heart warming smile at us, the smile that would stop my crying and make everything seem like it was okay. My dad would hold my mothers hand and they'd watch the two of us. They were so in love with each other and with us. We were the family picture of perfection at the time. Alexa never fought with me, but she did follow me around all the time. She'd watch as I played on our piano and she'd imitate it. She even started playing video games just to spend some time with me. It was perfect because I had spent so much time buried in books and practicing music that I didn't have the time to make many friends, she was my friend.

I guess I can understand to some extent what Dad went through when he lost Alexa and Mom. He had a different love towards the both of them, but they were my family too. And emotionally, when I lost them, I lost him. He became an empty shell of the man he once was. His whole demeanor changed.

Being in this house is a reminder of the shell he was. We moved here to start over, to try again. I mustered up the courage to put on a brave face every day, he tried in the beginning. But one day, he just cracked, he couldn't do it anymore. I remember the words that made me see it... "You look so much like your mother. I just can't stand it anymore." And he walked away from me that night and I left and spent the night at Emma's house. I didn't tell her what he said, and she didn't question it. She's always been good like that.

I couldn't find it in me to go into his room. Not yet at least. Probably not for awhile. But I do need to fill this house with life again. The way I used to when he'd disappear for days at a time on business or whatever he was doing. On the outside, it's a beautiful house, wonderful garden, and apparently he had paid both a maid and gardner to continue to care for it, for at least a year. He must've known I'd be hesitant to be here. At least he still knew me, to some extent at least. I just wish he would've had it in him to tell me he loved me before he left me.